[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
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I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes