Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
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Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.