Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
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Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
🤣🤣💀
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense