*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
everyone’s a critic
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.