I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.
doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
“You do realize it’s a crime to lie in court, right?”
*I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too