*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Carpe DM
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?