@SunshineJarboly

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

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@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

@NomDeBenoit

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

@FunnyBison

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

@karlainvt

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

@brittwastaken

Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.

@eedrk

doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah

@thenatewolf

“You do realize it’s a crime to lie in court, right?”

*I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*

@KalvinMacleod

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

@BunAndLeggings

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too