*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
How high do the levels go?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
He’s cranky this morning
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?