Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.