FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…![]()
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Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Looking at you, Jesus.
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Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”