Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Autocorrect is my menesis