Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

😂

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

I have no passwords left in me

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.