Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes