family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
You Might Also Like
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My new favorite headline
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
That earthquake could have been an email.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.