family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
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Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.