family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
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“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Me when I’m ovulating
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*