Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

My brain is a bad influence on me

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

good morning

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

grotesque if literal: baby food

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper