[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
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My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Cat or sheep
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.