Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Its a hippotatomus

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly