Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.