Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.