[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids