@ElliotHetherton

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

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@KyleMcDowell86

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

@InternetHippo

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

@Tmoney68

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

@theNuzzy

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

@kuusela34

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

@SaeedFaridzadeh

Me: When I was a kid we had to wait a week to watch the next episode of our favorite show.

Kid: Is that because the Internet was too slow?

@fro_vo

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

@DaddyJew

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers