[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You Might Also Like
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise