Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

Wake me when AI does housework

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.