Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

mmm onion ringos

I can’t stop watching this.