Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

Rt to bother an English speaker

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

You can’t outrun your problems…

jesus, what did this guy do

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete