*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME