Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!