FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
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Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.