Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!