Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

The Compass

You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve