Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*