[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
just gave your address to some spiders
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?