Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.