Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.