Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

kevin is now a local weatherman

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.