Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
😍😂🥰😂😍
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.