Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged