Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
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peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.