{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please
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Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.