{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
That lamp looks PISSED.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
The Backseat Boys
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Found the job I’m suited for
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy