Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

You can throw an axe in any bar if you don’t give a shit

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn