Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.