Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

If you are reading this then you are reading this

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that