Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

good work, detective

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.