Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

🐕🍷

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

fired