Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

I love the honesty

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

We need more people like this.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.