Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

It’s on my to-do list.

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

classic mixup

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

*mops up wine with cat*

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.