Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.