Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Close call…
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄