Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Lmao the reply
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries