Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”