Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.