Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*