Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

no way 😭

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”