Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

A leaf blower, but for people.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em