Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Oh no

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!