Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
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Put this video in the Louvre
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
For when Tinder doesn’t work
