Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

Guilty! 🤪

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

They’re on their honeymoon

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.