Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Arrest that man!
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.