When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?