Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
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As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I…do not understand how electricity works.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.