Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

😂😂😂

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar