Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

yeah no that’s fair

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.