Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
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a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”