Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”