Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
