Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
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Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
👾👾👾
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.