Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog