Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
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Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
A man of commitment.
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My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
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Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.