Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?