[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.