Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

Snack for election night!

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials