Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
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I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it