Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*