Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD