[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
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I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
my proudest tweet
Everyone’s family
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this